


crush on you

by mabufus



Category: I Was Born for This - Alice Oseman
Genre: M/M, a little sad but ends happy because that's just who i am as a person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 14:10:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18235940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mabufus/pseuds/mabufus
Summary: When Lister smiles at us, I feel it. Sparks upon my cheeks. And then I find myself running out of the hospital room.Whoops.





	crush on you

**Author's Note:**

> this book was so good i literally couldn't put it down?? i want everyone to be happy pls and thank you

I discovered something that makes me feel kind of horrible. It’s something that I can’t tell Rowan; _definitely_ not Lister.

It’s been a few days since the incident where we found Lister laying on the ground, my Grandad’s knife etched into his side. He’s still in the hospital but was given the okay from the doctors to be able to go home in a few days.  When they leave the room, Rowan and I are strict on the fact that once we go home he’s on bedrest and now allowed to lift a finger once we’re back to the flat.

Rowan and I are afraid of losing him.

Our best friend, Lister Bird.

“Alright, alright. You guys are going to be my personal butlers, right?” Lister says. His voice is still weak. He smiles though, trying not to show the pain. Rowan and I smile back, pretending not to notice; just glad that he’s still here with us now.

When Lister smiles at us, I feel it. Sparks upon my cheeks. And then I find myself running out of the hospital room.

Whoops.

“ _Shit_.” I hear Rowan mumble as the door shuts loudly behind me.

Thankfully, I’m greeted with an empty hallway. A unique perk of having a private room. Almost no other faces besides doctors and nurses, and most of them don’t care that we’re a famous boy band. They just care about making Lister better, and that’s why even though my anxiety from the incident is at an all time high, I feel an odd sense of calm being a world away from fans yelling about their undying love for us that they think they have.

I stop shortly outside the next room, breathing hard. Breathe in, breathe out. Panic attack. From my _own_ feelings. It’s laughable.

I have feelings.

For Lister.

Cecily wanders out of the room, cell phone in hand. I can barely see my name on the screen. As I see it, my phone starts to ring. She sees me and rushes over to me.

“Are you okay?”

I feel a hand hovering over my shoulder. Before she can touch me, I turn around, both of my hands clutched over my chest. I’m still having a hard time breathing.

“Panic attack,” she says quickly. “Do what we did before, focus on five things in the hall—”

“Feelings,” I mumble. “For…”

Cecily looks at me for a second before saying, “For who, babe?” She looks more worried than before.

“Rowan?” she says when I stay silent.

I let out a laugh. “ _No_.”

“Then who?”

“L…Lister.” It feels weird to say out loud. I regret it for some reason. I wish I could turn back time. Wish I could shove the words right back into my mouth. I don’t even have the _right_ to—

“Oh,” Cecily says, “He likes you back though, right?”

I want to laugh again. How did everybody except for _me_ know this? I was the _crush_ ; how did I not know?

Was it because I didn’t realize my feelings for Lister when he confessed? Was it because I saw so little of myself that I can’t even fathom someone as cool and wonderful as Lister Bird would like an anxiety ridden mess like me?

I take my hands off of my chest and place a hand against the hospital wall, jumping from the cool touch. I’ve always hated how cold hospitals were. The feeling increased tenfold when I had to see someone I care for dearly in the hospital.

No matter how many times he told me that it wasn’t my fault, I refused to believe Lister’s words. If I wouldn’t have left without telling anyone—if I would’ve _listened_ when he tried to get me to come back inside he _wouldn’t_ be here.

Cecily’s hand hovers over my shoulder again and I let her gently pat it. “I’m sure Lister would like to talk to you right now,” she says. “Running off like that must’ve worried him.” She laughs before she says, “and Rowan.”

I nod once I begin to regain my composure. She’s right; I know she is. She’s right but I’m still having a hard time moving.

“Thank you,” I manage to stutter out, and she replies with a bright smile. It was reassuring. We go back to the room. When we approach the door, she lets go.

Lister and Rowan’s heads pop up when the door opens.

“Did anyone see you?” Lister asks, voice panicky.

Rowan is silent. I do not blame him. He’s silent, but he’s sporting a worried look.

I shake my head and the relief on Lister’s face is making me feel so guilty. He shouldn’t have to worry about me. No one should.

“Thank _God_ ,” Lister sighs. I feel the presence of my cross necklace when he says it.

There is silence after that, but Lister and I are just looking at each other.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Rowan pipes up. Cecily follows suit, saying she’ll show him where it is.

I suppress a laugh at their lame excuse as they begin to shuffle out of the room. “Back in a few,” Rowan says. Cecily nods at us and then grins at me right before the door shuts, just leaving me and Lister.

“What a shit excuse that was,” Lister mumbles, grinning at me.

More silence. More staring at each other.

I am the first to break the silence. Or at least I thought I was.

“ _I think I like you._ ”

“ _I still have feelings for you_.”

Lister laughs, but when he does he quickly clutches his stomach. A pang of guilt runs down my entire back. Entire _being_.

“We’re both messes, huh?” he whispers. He chuckles, but it seems to be less painful this time. “You can come over here y’know. I’m not gonna bite you. Unless you’re into it.”

This is the Lister Bird I know; still able to crack stupid jokes in a serious moment. It’s refreshing.

I unstick my back from the entrance of the hospital room and begin to approach him. I plop down on a chair that’s by his bedside. I scoot the chair closer to his bedside until they touch. It still doesn’t feel close enough. We both don’t comment on how close we are to each other.

“Can I hold your hand?” Lister slowly raises his own hand and holds it out, waiting for mine, not even giving me time to answer. I hold up my hand and he slowly takes it. His hand is warm. I still see flashes from when we found him; how his skin felt cold as ice. I shiver. I think about how lucky I am— how lucky _Lister_ is to still be here. Lucky we’re able to talk like this.

“I’ve imagined this for a while.”

“Yeah?” I say. My sudden confession to Lister is ringing endlessly in my ears. _I_ did that.

He nods.

“I know we’ve held hands before…but it wasn’t like…romantic, y’know?”

For the first time in my life I see Lister Bird blush. My face matches when I make the same realization.

We’ve held hands in photoshoots but I was also holding hands with Rowan as well, so it wasn’t romantic in the slightest. I remember Lister’s handing being sweaty and Rowan’s hand feeling just fine. I never made the connection until just now.

It was because Lister liked me. And I was a fool who had absolutely _no_ idea.

“The photoshoot,” I whisper. He nods sheepishly. “Your hand was _so_ sweaty.” I say. I laugh. “I can’t believe I didn’t know then.”

“ _Me either_. But I’m also glad you didn’t know.”

I cock my head to the side, waiting for him to elaborate.

“…I was scared. I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want to fuck everything up. Didn’t want to have the band to disband and all that.”

Oh.

“You wouldn’t have…I mean you _didn’t_ when you told me the first time and I didn’t realize that I liked you back…”

Lister laughs. “I’m not worried about it _anymore_.” He squeezes my hand gently. I squeeze it back in response.

“Good,” is all I can say back. My brain is having a hard time believing that this is an actual thing that’s happening right now. Lister and I just confessed our feelings to each other. Are we an item? I’m. Confused.

“I think that maybe…even when you told me the first time I _did_ like you back but I was afraid to admit it to myself. I was afraid the same reason you were. And then we found you…you didn’t respond and your body was ice cold and I…” I trail off as Lister looks worriedly at me. I need to finish though. I need to be brave and tell him what I’m feeling. “I was afraid that I would never be able to tell you. Afraid that I would never be able to talk to you again…so I’m glad that I’m able to tell you _now_ …”

Lister lets go of my hand and caresses my cheek. Part of the IV sticking in his hand rests on my arm. “You don’t have to worry now.” He cups my cheek and he smiles at me assuredly. “I’m here, Jimmy.”

I let a breath out. God am I glad he’s here. I cup his hand and gently caress it with my thumb. Both of our hands are sweaty. I laugh. “It’s both of us this time.”

Lister smiles at me, and like before I feel sparks upon my cheeks. It’s nice. I also don’t feel the urge to run away. I just want to be as close to Lister as I can. Don’t wanna spend a second away from him. Don’t want him to disappear from my sight ever again. I laugh at the thought.

“What’s funny?” Lister has a worried look on his face once more.

“I…was just thinking about how I don’t want to be away from you for another second, but I…I don’t _own_ you.”

Lister’s face is red again, Like, _really_ red. It’s cute.

“I mean, I don’t either.”

I let out a small breath. “Phew. That’s a relief.”

“I mean even if I didn’t,” Lister says, “we kind of _live_ together so our relationship is already—” He stops in his tracks. “I mean _like_ if you want to be in a…be in a…” he trails off for a second and then sheepishly finishes with, “ _relationship_.”

I nod. I do. I _do_ want to be in a relationship with Lister. I take a good look at him before answering. He still has cuts and bruises all over his face. Despite that though, when he looks at me he’s smiling, as if his body isn’t in an intense amount of pain. I wonder how he does it. Manages to still look handsome as hell when he’s injured. It’s magical, really.

He’s looking back at me, head cocked to the side, watching thoughtfully. “J-Jimmy?”

“Yes.” I’m a bit surprised that I manage to answer without stuttering because my brain is absolute mush right now. There might not even be anything in there anymore.

His eyes widen. He smiles again. “Thank God.” He lets out a breath. “The suspense was _deafening_.”

It’s at this exact moment that Rowan and Cecily pop back into the room. The door slowly opens and they both act like they’re sneaking when they know fully well we can see them.

“Everything alright here, loves?” Cecily says. She looks at me when she says this. I catch a quick wink.

Lister’s hand is still on my cheek. My hand is still on his hand. Cecily and Rowan notice immediately. Or rather it was pretty noticeable because we only moved our heads when the door opened. I didn’t have the heart to let go of his hand, and Lister kept his hand on my cheek gently squeezing it, chuckling.

“Jowan is fucking _canceled_. Jister is _in_.” Lister announces with a huge grin on his face. I blush at this. Still _very_ new.

“ _Thank you. Jesus Christ_. The ship name kinda sucks, though.” Rowan says, and everyone laughs like we’re on a 90’s sitcom.

"We can work on it later," Lister says, squeezing my hand once more.

I smile. “Yeah, we’ll work on it later.”


End file.
